Friday, 4 March 2011

How I Became a Guitar God

Are you Jimmy Page or Jimmy Nail?
Frank Zappa or Frank Spencer?

We know your ego is huge - that’s why you want to be a guitarist. We know you can count over 4 - that’s why you’re not a drummer! But have you got what it takes to be a Guitar Hero?

Try this easy quiz to find out.

1) Time to choose your instrument. This is the first important decision to becoming a star. Do you...

a) Read all the guitar magazines before making a choice based on price and sturdy workmanship?
b) Buy a guitar just like your Idols? It’s good enough for them, so go ahead!
c) Walk into a music shop, pick one that looks cool... and in black!... check out how it looks in the reflection of a window and buy it without even hearing how it sounds!

2) Now you must hone those musical skills until your fingers bleed. Do you...

a) Buy some books and practice chords. Yesterday by The Beatles is good - 7 different chords to learn.
b) Bung on a copy of the MC5’s Kick out the Jams and play along with it the best you can?
c) Join two guitar straps together so your six string razor can be slung stupidly low, jump around, throwing classic rock’n’roll shapes and only when you feel you look great, think about learning to play?

3) Now, a chance to impose your authority on the band. The bass player has a song idea to try out! Do you...

a) Try it out! After all, it’s not just you in the band and the song might sound great.
b) Agree to try it out in the knowledge that his songs are never as good as yours but don’t want to hurt his feelings!
c) Laugh like a drain! Bass players don’t write songs!! They can’t even play a guitar with 6 strings. Even with 4 strings, the bass player only seems to use the fat one anyway. Soon they’ll be wanting to turn up as loud as you. Put a stop to this right from the start.

4) The gig! You all arrive for the soundcheck. Do you...

a) Introduce yourself to the other bands... we are all here to play music.
b) Give the bands a curt nod but don’t get too chummy. Tonight you’re gonna blow them off stage.
c) Ignore them. You’re not here to make friends but to show them up for the limp-wristed pathetic excuses they really are!

5) One of the guitarists comes over and asks if he can borrow an amp. Do you...

a) Let him use it. What’s the harm?
b) Reluctantly agree but with a warning of violence if it’s harmed in any way!
c) Tell him to FUCK OFF!! What kind of guitarist doesn’t have an amp? You don’t get Nigel Mansell turning up to a race without his car! It’s taken you two years to get the perfect sound and you won’t let anyone get their grubby little hands on it?

6)The other band have just finished the souncheck. Do you...

a) Give them a round of applause... Hey, nice one lads.
b) Discuss with the rest of the band how good/bad they were.
c) Just as they finish, let out a hollow laugh! They will never know if you were laughing at them or something else. It’ll prey on their minds all night.

8) Let’s play. The lights are dimmed, the sparse audience are standing as far away from the stage as they can get... Hey,Ho, Let’s go! Do you...

a)Try and play just like you would at rehearsals - let’s try and keep together people.
b) Get carried away with excitement and play every song much faster than normal!
c) Play at twice the intended speed barely keeping time with each other, turn every amp up full - causing the audience to wince in pain at the aural assault, extend every guitar solo to three times the length and generally prance around like a St. Vitus Dance victim?

9) The night is over and more rock’n’nroll dreams have been lived. Do you...

a) Joke around with the other bands - Hey, what a great night!
b) Ignore the other bands, basking in the knowledge of your own excellence.
c) Ignore the other bands, ignore your own band, stuff the guitar case with bottles of stolen beer, drink until you puke in the drummers snare case, drink some more, go outside, snort some drugs from a beautiful girls naked backside ( which next day turns out to be a tramp passed out in the alleyway ), wee through a letterbox, go back into the pub, drink some more, tell the band that they are just talentless cretins without you, punch the vocalist ( he’s always annoyed you!), go home, wake up in the morning, recollecting nothing from the night before apart from being almost Oscar Wildeish in your rapier quick wit.

... And something about someone being sacked?

oops ... and a policeman!

Finished? Now see if you scored mostly A’s, B’s or C’s and check the results below to see what your future is in the heady atmoshere of rock.

Mostly A’s

You disgust me. Your greatest wish is that Haircut 100 reform so you can join them... even your Mum thinks you suck!!

Mostly B’s

You Rock! Whilst not being selfish enough to go to the very top, a fine future awaits you, should you be bold enough to grasp it!

Mostly C’s ....Yep, I have done all of these!

You are a true Guitar Hero! You stride the musical world like a giant, legs akimbo and eyes aflame, you eat through the sound of reason, you are one watt above darkness, you create a sonic cathedral of aural anticipation and worship at the altar of feedback... you will be dead of an overdose in 7 months!!